Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
