Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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