I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
