i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
