im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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