a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
You have to summon your inner elephant
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
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