i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I haven't been this sober since birth.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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