some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
