girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
