Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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