you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
