i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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