I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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