I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
