Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
