Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
