There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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