I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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