Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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