Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
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