I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
