Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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