he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
