Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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