i need an iv and a liver transplant
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Send help, water and tortillas.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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