and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
