Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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