we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
