He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
The Olympian is in my bed
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
