i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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