Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
