just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
