she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
