I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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