Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Is Oprah even human
I have aggressive nipples.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
