My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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