My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
These tits shall not be calmed
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
