someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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