If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
