2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
