So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
