my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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