When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
