So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Randomize
