I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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