Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
