I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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