I can't breathe out the right side of my face
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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