My liver just broke up with me...
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
