I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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