its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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